Golden Globes: The Commentary

The Golden Globe Awards aired on Sunday. I was watching. The winners list is here.

Below is my brain's running commentary. It might not make sense. In chronological order, this is what was spinning through my head as I tried to will a statue into Jon Hamm's hands.

(I linked to some pics of the night so you have visuals if you need them. And so that you can make a photo of Mickey Rourke on the red carpet your new desktop wallpaper. I'll try not to judge.)

• Kate Winslet won. I love her. I could watch her eat cereal for two hours. Remind me to write that movie. Costarring Cate Blanchett. Also eating cereal.
  
• Bruce Springsteen won. Because he's the Boss. He dictates such things.
  
• Why is Mickey Rourke wearing sunglasses indoors? Doesn't he know that he has a lousy reputation in town? Cocky styling isn't going to help.
• Rumer Willis is talented. Apparently. No comment.
• I love Neil Patrick Harris. But in an unrequited-love sort of way. He doesn't win, but he'll do fine without it. Trust me.
• Laura Dern was Miss Golden Globe in 1982. I bet she's Rumer Willis' idol.
• Colin Farrell cut his hair. We are no longer twins.
• Don Cheadle is super-bald. Bald must be in. There were so many shiny heads at church today.
• Please let Jon Hamm win. Please. (Or Hugh Laurie.)
• GABRIEL BYRNE?! Zac Efron accepts on his behalf. So at least one person is happy. His name is Zac. This may be his only chance to accept such an award.
  
• Thank you, Sally Field, for not abusing Botox.
• January Jones looks, uh, non-'60s-housewife. I don't like change. Or coral lipstick.
  
• Anna Paquin?! I will never be a betting woman. The 26-year-old now has an Oscar AND a Golden Globe. She was in She's All That. My brain hurts.
  
• Ricky Gervais is smarter than 98% of the room.
• The Jonas Brothers: "It is so cool to be here. Invited." Yes, boys, be thankful for the random invite.
• Wall-E wins. First "duh" of the night. That movie is a darling little genius of a flick. Stop reading this and go watch it.
• Johnny Depp does not age. I do not understand.
• Sally Hawkins wins for Happy-Go-Lucky. Johnny mouths "Wow." Major underdog. She just beat Meryl Streep and Emma Thompson. Her arms are too skinny. My own arms are experiencing sympathy pains. EAT, girl. Please. Meryl eats.
• Who doesn't love Jake Gyllenhaal? If you don't, don't tell me.
• P. Diddy is not Sidney Poitier. Someone should tell him that.
• Demi just told her daughter not to slouch. On stage. There will be words at home tonight. "Mom, how could you?!"
  
• Whatever Tom Cruise has been eating, he should continue to do so. He's pulling a Benjamin Button and looks very Jerry Maguire.
• Heath wins.
• Heath was brilliant.
• I'd stand too.
• I need to watch Frost/Nixen. And Milk. And The Wrestler.
• Oh, Colin. You're chewing gum. While presenting. You're lucky your accent covers a multitude of sins. All of them, actually.
  
• Cameron Diaz needs to make a date with her colorist. And her shampoo bottle.
• Aaron Eckhart will be A-list one day. That's my prediction of the night.
  
• Laura Linney is gorgeous. She finally gets it right fashion-wise. It's so sad to see brilliant people in awkward clothing.
• Should I get glasses like Paul Giamatti? Can I pull off uber-nerd?
• I don't understand Gerard Butler's appeal. Is it because I haven't seen 300?
• Seth Rogen is skinny. And not very funny.
• Best Screenplay: Slumdog Millionaire. Have you seen it yet?
• So far, zero of the dresses I thought I'd see have shown up. Never pay me to be your psychic.
• Alec Baldwin. Of course. "I remember when I used to bring Rumer Willis a juice box on the set of the movie." Um, hilarious and not funny at the same time.
• Renee's face. Her hair. Why?! She's suddenly a granny with a chemical peel.
• Megan Fox should not be there. But she is.
• Paul Giamatti wins. He's a living cartoon character. So awkward and bumbling and awesome.
• Glenn Close has the same hair as Renee Zellweger. Her shiny pants are making me uncomfortable.
• 30 Rock. Tina Fey forever. Tracy Morgan gives the best speech of the night. Which shocks me. We're not usually friends.
• Slumdog Millionaire has an amazing soundtrack. The Hollywood Foreign Press agrees. Now go see it.
• Every time someone says Danny Boyle, I think they're thanking Danny Boy. And it temporarily confuses me.
• Ugly Betty is one of the room's most gorgeous. I should have lunch with her makeup artist.
• Tina Fey! "As a kid, I had all the Hollywood Foreign Press action figures."
  
• Steven Spielberg is receiving the Cecil B. DeMille Award. I guess I assumed that he already had every possible fancy honorary award. Guess not.
• I would fetch coffee for that man FOR FREE just to hang out on one of his sets. Maybe I'll catch the magic by osmosis.
• I've never seen The Color Purple.
• But I have seen Empire of the Sun.
• Schindler's List is perfect. So's Tiny Toons.
• Scorsese is crying. People are standing. I swear that everyone in the room has been in a Spielberg flick. Drew, Tom (Cruise and Hanks), Leo, Ralph....
• Steven has a staccato rhythm to his speech I've never noticed before. Nerves? I think he's trying to be inspiring. I'm lost. I have ADD tonight.
• Maybe I should pack my lunch for tomorrow.
• Done and done.
• When there's no host and no banter, an awards show can actually end before midnight. *Fingers crossed.*
• Danny Boyle!!!! It's the little movie that could.
• I should watch Trainspotting. I think I can handle it.
• Sigourney is wearing a gown I picked for Meryl! I win. As does Donna Karan.
• Everyone tells me not to watch Revolutionary Road. I'm a rebel. This makes me want to see it more.
• Sandra Bullock = ridiculously good-looking. I want to be 44. In Dior.
• COLIN FARRELL!!!!! It's because of the haircut. Good on ya, mate. Now I should probably watch In Brudges too. I can't keep up.
• I don't get the Sasha Baron Cohen appeal. At all. But who am I, really?
• A Woody Allen picture just won. Is this what the '70s felt like? And where is Woody?
• Remind me not to name my first son Woody. Or second.
• Freida Pinto is stunning. American girls can't begin to compare. Not that I'm comparing.
• Best Actress. I'm calling Anne Hathaway.
• And the Golden Globe goes to... KATE WINSLET!
• Remember that cereal thing? Apparently everyone would watch her eat breakfast.
• "I'm so sorry." Don't be.
• Actresses, this is your lesson of the evening: If you eat, refuse Botox and are brilliant, you will win awards.
• Angelina's ticked. Pretty transparently.
• "I've loved you for 13 years." Yeah, we've all loved Leo for 13 years. Well, maybe we took a bit of a break somewhere in there.
• Her husband directed that performance. Crazy.
• "Hello. We're TV actors." Rainn Wilson should host the Oscars.
• Mad Men. Oh, Mad Men. How you make me happy.
• Did you know that Josh Groban used to date January Jones? Now you do.
• Best-looking cast on TV. With the exception of Lost.
• Mickey Rourke wins. Despite the sunglasses and sequins. I'm a little scared of him. Okay, a lot.
• He just thanked his dogs. Because he's alone and that's all he's got. Sadness.
• Does it count if I thought Angelina would wear a different Versace? Same designer. Half point for me.
• The commercials for the Olympics make me want to go. Or compete.
• Slumdog takes it. It's officially the front-runner in the Oscar race. I'm so proud. I want to be at the after-party. (It hasn't even opened in India yet! Can you imagine?)
• The producer dropped an F-bomb and magically escaped the censors' wrath in the process. Maybe it's because I'm watching CTV, not NBC. Those Americans can't handle it.
• Miley Cyrus just stuck out her tongue at the camera. Classy girl.
• The end.