Saturday, January 10, 2009

An Open Letter to Jessica Alba

Dear Jessica,

I have an apology to make. For years now, I have made the rather harsh statement that I despise films starring Jessicas. Alba, Simpson and Biel are all surnames that keep me away from my local cinema. I'm not completely recounting this, but I do acknowledge that my wording has been, at times, inappropriately cruel. For this, I am sorry. I would never say this to your face, so saying it in your absence is not acceptable. You are cast in movies and I am not. Maybe I'm envious. 

While I still cannot bring myself praise your acting abilities, I will applaud your decision to cut your hair.

Jessica Alba, the new length looks lovely. And I want your scarf.

Have a wonderful weekend with your family. And, as your new friend, I'm begging you: Please stop wearing bikinis in your movies and then bemoaning your sex-kitten status. And never make another movie with Dane Cook or Mike Myers. Ever. Just sayin'. Girlfriends should have each other's backs.

Never Been Kissed was a good movie. You were in it. If you string those two things together, maybe you'll come up with a compliment.

Taking your photo to my hair stylist,


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