Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Golden Globes: The Commentary

The Golden Globe Awards aired on Sunday. I was watching. The winners list is here.

Below is my brain's running commentary. It might not make sense. In chronological order, this is what was spinning through my head as I tried to will a statue into Jon Hamm's hands.

(I linked to some pics of the night so you have visuals if you need them. And so that you can make a photo of Mickey Rourke on the red carpet your new desktop wallpaper. I'll try not to judge.)
  • Kate Winslet won. I love her. I could watch her eat cereal for two hours. Remind me to write that movie. Costarring Cate Blanchett. Also eating cereal.
  • Bruce Springsteen won. Because he's the Boss. He dictates such things.
  • Why is Mickey Rourke wearing sunglasses indoors? Doesn't he know that he has a lousy reputation in town? Cocky styling isn't going to help.
  • Rumer Willis is talented. Apparently. No comment.
  • I love Neil Patrick Harris. But in an unrequited-love sort of way. He doesn't win, but he'll do fine without it. Trust me.
  • Laura Dern was Miss Golden Globe in 1982. I bet she's Rumer Willis' idol.
  • Colin Farrell cut his hair. We are no longer twins.
  • Don Cheadle is super-bald. Bald must be in. There were so many shiny heads at church today.
  • Please let Jon Hamm win. Please. (Or Hugh Laurie.)
  • GABRIEL BYRNE?! Zac Efron accepts on his behalf. So at least one person is happy. His name is Zac. This may be his only chance to accept such an award.
  • Thank you, Sally Field, for not abusing Botox.
  • January Jones looks, uh, non-'60s-housewife. I don't like change. Or coral lipstick.
  • Anna Paquin?! I will never be a betting woman. The 26-year-old now has an Oscar AND a Golden Globe. She was in She's All That. My brain hurts.
  • Ricky Gervais is smarter than 98% of the room.
  • The Jonas Brothers: "It is so cool to be here. Invited." Yes, boys, be thankful for the random invite.
  • Wall-E wins. First "duh" of the night. That movie is a darling little genius of a flick. Stop reading this and go watch it.
  • Johnny Depp does not age. I do not understand.
  • Sally Hawkins wins for Happy-Go-Lucky. Johnny mouths "Wow." Major underdog. She just beat Meryl Streep and Emma Thompson. Her arms are too skinny. My own arms are experiencing sympathy pains. EAT, girl. Please. Meryl eats.
  • Who doesn't love Jake Gyllenhaal? If you don't, don't tell me.
  • P. Diddy is not Sidney Poitier. Someone should tell him that.
  • Demi just told her daughter not to slouch. On stage. There will be words at home tonight. "Mom, how could you?!"
  • Whatever Tom Cruise has been eating, he should continue to do so. He's pulling a Benjamin Button and looks very Jerry Maguire.
  • Heath wins.
  • Heath was brilliant.
  • I'd stand too.
  • I need to watch Frost/Nixen. And Milk. And The Wrestler.
  • Oh, Colin. You're chewing gum. While presenting. You're lucky your accent covers a multitude of sins. All of them, actually.
  • Cameron Diaz needs to make a date with her colorist. And her shampoo bottle.
  • Aaron Eckhart will be A-list one day. That's my prediction of the night.
  • Laura Linney is gorgeous. She finally gets it right fashion-wise. It's so sad to see brilliant people in awkward clothing.
  • Should I get glasses like Paul Giamatti? Can I pull off uber-nerd?
  • I don't understand Gerard Butler's appeal. Is it because I haven't seen 300?
  • Seth Rogen is skinny. And not very funny.
  • Best Screenplay: Slumdog Millionaire. Have you seen it yet?
  • So far, zero of the dresses I thought I'd see have shown up. Never pay me to be your psychic.
  • Alec Baldwin. Of course. "I remember when I used to bring Rumer Willis a juice box on the set of the movie." Um, hilarious and not funny at the same time.
  • Renee's face. Her hair. Why?! She's suddenly a granny with a chemical peel.
  • Megan Fox should not be there. But she is.
  • Paul Giamatti wins. He's a living cartoon character. So awkward and bumbling and awesome.
  • Glenn Close has the same hair as Renee Zellweger. Her shiny pants are making me uncomfortable.
  • 30 Rock. Tina Fey forever. Tracy Morgan gives the best speech of the night. Which shocks me. We're not usually friends.
  • Slumdog Millionaire has an amazing soundtrack. The Hollywood Foreign Press agrees. Now go see it.
  • Every time someone says Danny Boyle, I think they're thanking Danny Boy. And it temporarily confuses me.
  • Ugly Betty is one of the room's most gorgeous. I should have lunch with her makeup artist.
  • Tina Fey! "As a kid, I had all the Hollywood Foreign Press action figures."
  • Steven Spielberg is receiving the Cecil B. DeMille Award. I guess I assumed that he already had every possible fancy honorary award. Guess not.
  • I would fetch coffee for that man FOR FREE just to hang out on one of his sets. Maybe I'll catch the magic by osmosis.
  • I've never seen The Color Purple.
  • But I have seen Empire of the Sun.
  • Schindler's List is perfect. So's Tiny Toons.
  • Scorsese is crying. People are standing. I swear that everyone in the room has been in a Spielberg flick. Drew, Tom (Cruise and Hanks), Leo, Ralph....
  • Steven has a staccato rhythm to his speech I've never noticed before. Nerves? I think he's trying to be inspiring. I'm lost. I have ADD tonight.
  • Maybe I should pack my lunch for tomorrow.
  • Done and done.
  • When there's no host and no banter, an awards show can actually end before midnight. *Fingers crossed.*
  • Danny Boyle!!!! It's the little movie that could.
  • I should watch Trainspotting. I think I can handle it.
  • Sigourney is wearing a gown I picked for Meryl! I win. As does Donna Karan.
  • Everyone tells me not to watch Revolutionary Road. I'm a rebel. This makes me want to see it more.
  • Sandra Bullock = ridiculously good-looking. I want to be 44. In Dior.
  • COLIN FARRELL!!!!! It's because of the haircut. Good on ya, mate. Now I should probably watch In Brudges too. I can't keep up.
  • I don't get the Sasha Baron Cohen appeal. At all. But who am I, really?
  • A Woody Allen picture just won. Is this what the '70s felt like? And where is Woody?
  • Remind me not to name my first son Woody. Or second.
  • Freida Pinto is stunning. American girls can't begin to compare. Not that I'm comparing.
  • Best Actress. I'm calling Anne Hathaway.
  • And the Golden Globe goes to... KATE WINSLET!
  • Remember that cereal thing? Apparently everyone would watch her eat breakfast.
  • "I'm so sorry." Don't be.
  • Actresses, this is your lesson of the evening: If you eat, refuse Botox and are brilliant, you will win awards.
  • Angelina's ticked. Pretty transparently.
  • "I've loved you for 13 years." Yeah, we've all loved Leo for 13 years. Well, maybe we took a bit of a break somewhere in there.
  • Her husband directed that performance. Crazy.
  • "Hello. We're TV actors." Rainn Wilson should host the Oscars.
  • Mad Men. Oh, Mad Men. How you make me happy.
  • Did you know that Josh Groban used to date January Jones? Now you do.
  • Best-looking cast on TV. With the exception of Lost.
  • Mickey Rourke wins. Despite the sunglasses and sequins. I'm a little scared of him. Okay, a lot.
  • He just thanked his dogs. Because he's alone and that's all he's got. Sadness.
  • Does it count if I thought Angelina would wear a different Versace? Same designer. Half point for me.
  • The commercials for the Olympics make me want to go. Or compete.
  • Slumdog takes it. It's officially the front-runner in the Oscar race. I'm so proud. I want to be at the after-party. (It hasn't even opened in India yet! Can you imagine?)
  • The producer dropped an F-bomb and magically escaped the censors' wrath in the process. Maybe it's because I'm watching CTV, not NBC. Those Americans can't handle it.
  • Miley Cyrus just stuck out her tongue at the camera. Classy girl.
  • The end.


Kathleen Gallagher said...

Why do the cast of Mad Men never get to present anything at awards shows, but Zac Efron, the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus do?! Are the tween ratings for something like this really that coveted? Also, Aaron Eckhart: Mmmmm...

Laura J said...

that was brilliant. Now I wish I'd watched.