A Rare Survey

I rarely fill these out. But because this one didn't ask me about my crush or what my last text message was, I figured I'd give it a go....


If you were one of the Seven Dwarfs, which one would you be?
Dopey. Because I'm beardless.
Doc. Because I wear glasses.
Sleepy. Because I am.

Have you ever thrown popcorn at someone and then pretended it wasn't you?
No. But I was with a group that was almost thrown out of an East Side Mario's for throwing peanuts.

Have you ever flown first class?
Nope. But I have flown WestJet.

Would you rather surf in California or ski in Vermont?
Hmm. Well, I know I'd rather ski in California than surf in Vermont....

What is one topping you MUST have on your pizza?
Cheese. Meat. Vegetable.

Do you prefer to read fiction or non-fiction books?
Non-fiction. I'm a little obsessed with biographies. Although an excellent novel is priceless.

Would you rather read books or magazines?
Both serve unique purposes. But books.

Have you ever seen a shooting star?
I have. My first was in PEI. All I remember is sitting in a lawn chair, staring at the sky.

Have you ever had your cheek pinched by a relative?
Probably. Most likely by a tiny relative grabbing at my face indiscriminately.

Have you ever torn your pants in public?
I can't remember. I do remember ripping a huge hole in my shirt hopping the school fence.

Do you know how a bill is passed in Congress?
Vaguely. I'm more familiar with Canadian law. You know, I'm hip to the Parliament/House of Commons scene. Sort of. Not at all.

Do you know the difference between a conjunction and an adjective?
Yes. Grammar is my life.

How many times a day do you brush your teeth?
Two to three.

Do you chew on ice?
Maybe. Only when there's some left at the bottom of the glass and I'm bored. I don't actually seek out ice just to chew on it.

Do you watch TV or read before bedtime?
I watch TV in the evening, then read in bed.

Are you allergic to anything?
Not that I know of. Although I used to lie and say I was allergic to turnip. But when you're 7, no matter how passionately you tell your parents this, they never believe you.

How many times a week do you wash your hair?
Usually seven. I think the record is 9 or 10. But that was a crazy week.

Do you own any plaid pants?
No. But that is a brilliant idea. I should re-embrace my seventh-grade wardrobe. (The standout was the navy sweatshirt with the appliqued plaid heart on it that matched my flannel pants.)

Have you ever been in a natural disaster (flood, hurricane, etc.)?
Not quite. I've watched a lot of movies, though.... Yeah, I'd get back together with Bill Paxton, too, if we survived the worst tornado EVER together. Seriously, I would.

Have you ever had food SO bad in a restaurant that you sent it back?
Nope. Although I pretended my impossibly hard dinner roll was a drumstick and rhythmically banged it on the table for a bit. Highly amusing. And I left a restaurant recently when I was unimpressed with the menu.

Have you ever touched a live chicken?
Yep.

What about a live turkey?
Nope. But I've stuffed a dead one.

Do you sleep in pajamas?
Yes. Or some combination of old comfy clothes that I now call pajamas. Oh, and a shirt that was banned from the University of Guelph. Illegal p.j.'s rock.

Can you touch your toes without bending your knees?
On a good day.

Did you just try it?
No. Sheesh.

What is the opposite of a hamburger?
A black hole.

Do you talk in your sleep?
I don't know. I live alone.

Have you ever played in the rain?
Yes. But I have yet to sing in the rain. Or kiss an upside-down Spider-Man in a downpour.

Have you ever had a Mexican jumping bean?
No. But I've had tacos. And jelly beans. Separately.

If you didn't have any bread, what would you use to spread butter on bread?
I don't understand. There is no bread, people. Get over it.

Have you ever swallowed your gum?
Yes. If I die before my 98th birthday, blame it on the small lump of aspartame in my stomach.

Have you ever been ice fishing?
No. I haven't spent much time with folks who fish. Yet.

Where is the most inappropriate place your cell phone has rang?
Church. Although I did get a text while I was out for dinner with a rather spectacular someone. It said, "Go get him, girl." And believe me, I tried.

Have you ever called 911 by accident?
No. I've called 411 on purpose, though.

Have you ever gone whitewater rafting?
No. I've been down the Lazy River at a water park. Does that count? I also canoed over a couple rapids once. I think.

Have you ever faked sick?
I've exaggerated mild symptoms :) I was a drama major. I can be Ferris Bueller if I need to be.

Can you do a flip on a trampoline?
Maybe back in the day. ("In the day" = "Are you kidding me?!")

Have you ever surfed?
...the World Wide Web! I'm so cool.

Have you ever fallen off a horse?
No. But I've been on one. And I've been told to "get back on the horse" and to "hold my horses" and to stop "horsing around" and to "never look a gift horse in the mouth"....

Have you ever had anyone tell you that your fly was open?
Oh, probably. Clearly, I got over it.

Have you ever successfully pogoed on a pogo stick?
Define "successfully." I am not dead. Or broken. That equals success.

Do you eat breakfast?
Every single day. I'm addicted.

Would you rather shave your head or stop talking for a year?
Bald is beautiful. Silence is deadly.

Have you ever sleepwalked?
I don't think so.

Can you flip your eyelids up?
Not without surgical intervention.

Are you double-jointed?
No. But I have multiple joints.

Have you ever gotten gum stuck in your hair?
Yes.

Have you ever thrown up after a roller-coaster ride?
No. But I threw up after a Ferris wheel ride. (It happened to be immediately after a ride on the Scrambler, which came immediately after the Gravitron, which happened to be the first ride after my dinner of hot dogs.)

Have you ever eaten a dog biscuit?
No. Sheesh. That's like asking a dog if he's eaten human food. Oh, wait....

Can you pick things up with your toes?
Define "things." Because I can pick up a sock that's lying on the ground, but I can't pick up a contact lens.

Did you just try to do it?
No, I'm just super-smart and can figure this stuff out in my head.

How many foreign countries have you visited?
Is the United States of America foreign? Someone, please take me away.

Would you rather clean the bathroom or the kitchen?
Whose bathroom? Whose kitchen? I just cleaned my bathroom. So I suppose I should say kitchen to be fair.

Have you ever jammed a puzzle piece into a puzzle to "make it fit"?
Not on your life. I play by rules, folks. And each piece has a very special place.

Would you blow your nose at the dinner table?
Depends on who I'm eating with, I suppose.

Have you ever slipped in the bathtub?
I don't think so. I have slipped on a banana peel, though. Which was amazing. Cartoons are based on my life.

Have you ever locked yourself out of your house?
Yes. And then broke into my house by climbing through my brother's bedroom window.

Have you ever made a semi truck honk?
New Years Day. Mid-late '90s. I stood alongside the highway, in my pajamas, in the snow, and made trucks honk at me. I had the world's most fascinating adolescence.

Would you prefer to go through life with a huge nose or crossed eyes?
How huge? How crossed? A classmate of mine in the second grade asked me why my nose was bigger than everyone else's. I didn't have a very eloquent answer. I should have said, "All the better to smell you with, my dear."

Would you rather jump into a dumpster or a vat of honey?
Dumpster. Seriously, folks, you could DROWN in honey. All you need is a shower and you've recovered nicely from dumpster-diving. And then hop over to the vat of honey with a plate of warm toast and you're good to go.

What is your favorite breed of dog?
Cartoon. (Snoopy. Clifford. Lady. And the Tramp.)

Have you ever licked the tip of a ballpoint pen?
No. Have you?!

Have you ever eaten frog legs?
Nope. I'll save that experience for France.
P.S. Anyone wanna go to France to eat frog legs?

Your absolute favorite shirt is dirty. Would you still wear it?
I have nothing against wearing non-favorite shirts. And maybe. Is it borderline wearable or beyond the point of no return?

Have you ever put your tongue on a frozen pole?
No. I learn from the mistakes of others.

Have you ever blown bubbles in your milk?
Yes.

What did you call your baby blanket?
I don't believe I called it anything. I was a baby.

Have you ever worn bell-bottoms?
Most certainly. I had shiny silver ones. I was the coolest ever. But nothing beat the silver platform shoes with foam soles and Velcro straps.

Guys: Have you ever been in the ladies' room?
Girls: Have you ever been in the men's room?
Yes. Because there's never a line for the men's room. Sure, it might be a little sketchy in there (Do you men not take Aiming 101?), but I'd take immediacy over cleanliness most days.

Have you ever smelled your own feet?
Yeah. One of those "Shoot. Do my feet smell? Will HE smell them? Should I go with socks and shoes instead of sandals?" moments.

Did you just smell them?
No.

Have you ever broken a mirror?
Yes. On purpose, even.

Have you ever fallen asleep during a movie in the theater?
Yes. It was a Bourne movie, shamefully.

Have you ever bathed a dog?
No. Now ask me if I've ever had a dog to bathe.

Have you ever used a slingshot?
Probably. And probably quite poorly.

Have you ever gotten something stuck up your nose?
No. Man, I need better stories.

Have you ever sucked your thumb?
I cut my thumb and sucked on it to stop the bleeding. That counts, people.

Can you read while traveling without getting sick?
What kind of traveling? What kind of reading? Don't cram me in the back of a vehicle with no air circulation and expect me to read the classics in super-tiny print. But the front seat? Or on a plane? Pass the Coupland.