They're Just Not That Into Me

I saw He's Just Not That Into You last night. I laughed. I cringed. I almost cried. And then I spent the rest of my evening in a neurotic, obsessed, I'm-still-14 frame of mind, frustrated with myself more than anything. Which means that the flick's rom-com status should be revoked and replaced with one of "psychological horror."

The most amusing part of the entire experience was listening to the packed theatre's gasps and snickers. The girl who shouted "yes" to an on-screen proposal seconds before the character had the chance to. That "I've been there" sigh that hung in the air. It's a girls' night movie. Gentlemen, you have been warned.

I went with a single girlfriend and three married women. The married gals did not find it nearly as traumatic as we did. They didn't need a long debrief after the credits rolled.

This is what I learned:

• I lie to myself.
• My friends lie to me.
• I lie to them.
• I want to think I'm the exception to the rule. I'm probably the rule.
  
• The ridiculous behavior of some women is really just the actualization of things that my brain has already contemplated at length. I am no better. Just slightly more self-controlled.
• I want to marry Ben Affleck. (Weirdest thought of the week.)
  
• 98.5% of the guys I've met thus far in my short life are "just not that into me."
• I love Ginnifer Goodwin. And her hair.
  
• And the Mac guy.

Sigh.

I will never tell my daughter that if a boy is mean to her, it means he has a crush on her. Ever. The lies start young, folks.

I'm going to write a book one day. Or a play. Or movie. Or sitcom. And the hilariously awkward fumblings of my life will educate and entertain the masses. My therapy will be your escapism.

There will be stories like this:

Sometimes He Is Into Me

I was at a wrap party. He was drunk. He walked over and asked if he could speak to me alone. He piled on the compliments (I can't recall the exact words, as his mumblings did little to reach my resistant heart, but I know he compared me to Scarlett Johansson) and asked if I preferred him intoxicated. He had the courage to talk to me when he drank, but not when he was sober. And then he asked me out.

I told him I always prefer the sober version of individuals over the drunk version. Always. And then I walked away, only to be hit on by a single dad whose baby's momma was waiting for him at home.


There are so many more....
It's almost always one-way.