Monday, February 23, 2009

The Oscars 2009: The Red Carpet

Before I start to pick apart the show and chat about the actual awards, here's my red-carpet rundown. Yes, I watch for the fashion. That's why they have a red carpet.

Flashback to last night's red carpet (with links for the TV-less):

Taraji P. Henson
She has the short hair I mentioned in my last post. Movie-star short hair. I want. She's immediately my favorite. Gorgeous dress. Perfect jewelry. And she played Brad Pitt's mom. Give her the Oscar.

Zac Efron
Zac Efron is starting to look like a man. Weird. And sort of greasy. But not in that wonderful scruffy Colin Farrell way. Just in a mirror-hog way.

Amy Adams
I love that she's wearing red. Redheads should embrace crimson. I would. (And her necklace makes me happy.)

Those Kids
The Slumdog Millionaire kids are ADORABLE. It's official: I want Indian children. And Frieda Pinto is still gorgeous. And is finally wearing something worthy of her amazingness.

Melissa Leo
Melissa Leo looks like a middle-aged prom queen. Or like she's next in line to marry Prince Charles. She will not win. But she won at the Independent Spirit Awards last night. So she's fine.

More Slumdog
Seriously, the Slumdog cast is amazing. And happy. There aren't enough happy people in Hollywood. Dev Patel > Zac Efron.

I switch over to Ben Mulroney who totally screws up his interview with Melissa Leo. She lectures him on his inaccuracy about the supposed inexperienced cast. He turns red. I cringe on his behalf. And go back to Seacrest. It's lose-lose.

Heidi Klum
I hate her hair. Too slick and greasy. Very Efron. You should not be tucking your hair behind your ears, girl. Nor should you be at the Oscars.

Robert Pattinson
I don't understand the Robert Pattinson thing. Maybe I need to see Twilight. Later. He reminds me of a guy I once knew who styled his hair with white glue. Seriously.

Sarah Jessica Parker belongs on a wedding cake. I hate that the word "seafoam" was used to describe her gown. That word belongs in the same special category of words as "moist." Gross words.

I want to know Robert Downey Jr.'s beauty secrets. He looks younger every time I see him. He's the real Benjamin Button.

Natalie Portman very pink. This is new. And okay. Very okay.

Ron Howard
Ron Howard and his wife make me want to be married for decades. I read somewhere that they date frequently. Like, multiple times a week. (Taking mental notes.) I wonder if he narrates their adventures. Like real-life Arrested Development.

Anne Hathaway

Robin Wright Penn
I can't believe Sean Penn married Princess Buttercup. So weird.

Sophia Loren
Ruffles overload. I can't handle it. She belongs on Dynasty.

Hey, Mickey!
What is Mickey Rourke wearing? I forgive him. He's wearing a picture of his dog around his neck. Loneliness makes me uncomfortable. I'm scared of him, but I desperately want to give him a hug.

Jessica Blah
Jessica Biel is talking on her cell phone. Which isn't doing much for my non-appreciation of her. Her straggly hair is even less impressive. And she's wearing a toilet-paper-dispenser dress.

Evan Rachel Wood
Evan Rachel Wood is very Grace Kelly. Which is a pretty huge compliment for an ex-girlfriend of Marilyn Manson. Elie Saab wins. (My pick was Saab, remember?)

The Streep
Meryl Streep is stunning. She's bringing it. Fantastic. Lack of Botox can be beautiful. Nicole Kidman, please take notes.

Penelope Cruz
Should I get bangs? Will I become a Spanish beauty? (I can say "pepino cantador." Translation: "singing cucumber.") P.S. Her dress is 60 years old. Amazing.

Kate the Great
Kate Winslet is perfect. I take back the earlier Grace Kelly compliment and bestow it on Kate. Sigh. (Have you seen The Reader? Man.) If she doesn't win, I might cry. That hair. That dress. Everything.

Brad and Angelina
Angie is stunning but cold. Love those earrings. Still, she looks like she might murder me with a stiletto. In interviews, she turns on the charm. But I don't buy it. She is anti-warm-and-fuzzy. She's in Elie Saab. Seriously, Saab rules the night.

No More Miley
Miley Cyrus looks like a glittery inverted cupcake that's trying too hard. It would be appropriate if she were nominated. My maternal instincts are kicking in, and I want to ground her until she's 35 and/or mature. She thinks her new Hannah Montana movie might nab her an Oscar nod next year. SIT DOWN.

Danny Boy
Danny Boyle makes me smile. I can't wait until he gets his Oscar this evening. I may do a little Bollywood dance in his honor.

1 comment:

Katie V. said...

Very sharp assessments. I didn't realize Penelope's dress was so old! She is just so beautiful it made me want to put on a Spanish accent a little more often. And thank you, I really dislike Jessica Biel too so yay. What was with all the white/cream this year? Is it a recession times are bad so we dress like hope-filled white doves? I'm not sure. The only place we may disagree is SJP. I find her uncomfortable looking (but I always think that about her)