Quite the Spectacle

Sometimes, you just need a mom.

I went to the eye doctor’s today. I was slightly concerned that she would tell me I was slowly going blind considering I stare at a computer all day. Instead, she said my eyes felt strained at the end of the day because my glasses were too strong! Yes, folks, my magical eyeballs are improving. Very happy news.

Lenscrafters is next doors to the optometrist’s. No coincidence there. The sales people were eager and absolutely not helpful. I decided on a pair I thought were quasi-hip (not quite Lisa Loeb, but certainly worthy of a guitar or paintbrush). The salesperson said they looked great, I paid way too much, and then walked around the mall for an hour as they got them ready.

For some reason, I started to feel very unsettled. As I wandered through stores aimlessly, I could no longer remember what my new glasses looked like. All I could picture was Harry Potter (I was wearing a striped scarf today; that must have been the influence).

Sure enough, when I got back to Lenscrafters, something just wasn’t right. I tried them on and the arms (is that what they’re called?) seemed to jut out from my head. There was a massive gap between the arms and my scalp, as if my head had shrink significantly in the hour I was away. Then I did what every girl buying glasses must do: I put my hair up. The glasses barely hooked around my ears; the arms’ width forced my ears to pull a Will Smith.

The lady fitting me kept encouraging me, reminding me of their 30-day satisfaction guarantee. I was about to take her advice and take them home to try them out, when inspiration hit me. I leaned in toward her, and looked her straight in the eye:

“Do these glasses really fit me? Pretend you’re my mom.”

Asking someone to represent your mother puts a lot of responsibility on their shoulders. She could no longer be a smiley salesperson. She had to be honest.

“Not really. They’re too big.”

Who needs a 30-day guarantee? I returned them immediately and headed home. I still need glasses, but now I’ve decided that I want them to fit me.