Don't Let Tom Cruise Name Your Baby

When Gwyneth Paltrow named her daughter Apple a couple of years ago, it raised a few eyebrows. The meaning, at least, was pretty obvious. And most of us got over it. Mostly because Gwyneth is not annoying.

Then comes Tom's baby. Suri. He said it means "princess" in Hebrew. Then the press exposed the fact that people who actually speak Hebrew aren't familiar with the word. For those of us who've read the Bible, Sarah is the princess name.

Then came the news that there was such a word after all. Tom was redeemed. A linguistics professor at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem announced that Suri means "Get out of here." The Japanese meaning is "shoplifter". It's bad enough this poor child has an insane father. Being called "Get out of here Cruise" has got to suck (although it quite appropriately reflects how most of us feel about her over-exposed parents).

Thanks, Mom and Dad, for not calling me "Freak Show Superstar" or anything.