Oscars 2009: The Good, the Bad and the Beyonce

Did you watch the Oscars last night? If not, never fear. You can relive it here. For the sake of time and/or your sanity, I won't chat about every little detail of every single award. But I can't promise this thing will be short, either.

And yes, there are links. For visuals.

(First, read my red-carpet rundown here.)

LET THE OSCARS BEGIN:

It's starting, it's starting....

It's a recessionista's dream. Oh, how the set design makes me smile. Critics can't agree on this, but I don't care. It's fun and fresh and campy and awkward.

Hugh. In a tux. With that accent. I melt. Unexpectedly. It's the self-deprecation. "I'm an Australian, playing an Australian in a movie called Australia...." I can't believe that I once lumped him into a category of men who wore sweatpants in public.

Singing to Kate Winslet: "I would swim a sea of human excrement." (Watch Slumdog Millionaire to make sense of the lyrics.)

The dancing. The song. The props. My inner theatre geek is totally won over. He makes Anne Hathaway cool. "I'm Wolverine!" [WATCH OPENING HERE]

To Mickey Rourke: "If you win, we switch to a 20-minute delay."

I kind of love this whole shake-up. I don't know what's coming next. Weird. Past winners announce the current nominees. Strangely heartfelt tributes.

Whoopi to Amy Adams: "It's not easy being a nun." Ha.

This is going to be a super-teary-eyed show. Man. These producers are BRILLIANT. People are crying before the first award is handed out.

Penelope Cruz wins. Shoot. I wanted Taraji.

Phone rings. I miss Pene's speech, but don't really care. In fact, I end up missing all the writing stuff too. But I see Tina Fey look lovely. And it appears as though she and Steve Martin are being hilarious.

I have a crush on Milk's screenwriter. So I check out his acceptance speech on YouTube later. Yes, I know that it's pointless to have a crush on a gay man. Thanks, people. This was his FIRST screenplay. And he writes for Big Love. And he wore the greatest outfit at the Spirit Awards the night before. If I were a boy, I'd dress like him.

(Re: YouTube'd speech - HERE. I almost cried. "You are beautiful, wonderful creatures that are valued." Cyber-hug to Dustin Lance Black.)

Simon Beaufoy wins for Slumdog screenplay. The winning streak has begun.

Phone call done. I turn off the cell.

Jennifer Aniston and Jack Black chitchat. Producers cut to Angelina. Oh, drama-creation. I think they're adults. They can handle hanging out in the same massive room. (I like the little braid in Jen's hair. Remind me to braid mine someday soon.)

Wall-E! The director thanks his high-school drama teacher. I can't wait until I get to write an acceptance speech. So many random people to thank. Like Bono, Peter Jackson and the girl who told me my pants were too short in the sixth grade.

SJP and Daniel Craig. I'd rather be James Bond than Carrie Bradshaw. Okay, her dress is better on-stage. I love the stage. I'm in a really happy, non-critical mood right now. I'm giddy just thinking about movies.

Robert Pattinson and Amanda Seyfried. Romance in 2008. None of the clips are making me want to fall in love. Well, maybe the shot of Aaron Eckhart (who was also super-handsome at the Spirit Awards). Or the Slumdog kids. The clips of people screaming "I hate you" aren't helping the situation. Call me old-fashioned, but I'm not really into the love/hate thing. It's so junior high.

Natalie Portman and Ben Stiller. Ben as Joaquin. Amazing. Ron Howard also finds this amazing. [WATCH HERE] Too bad this very same make-fun-of-Joaquin Phoenix-skit was done at the Spirit Awards already. But with a foul-mouthed Batman added. I was probably the only viewer, so no biggie.

Cinematography: I say Slumdog. So does the Academy.

Jessica Biel is awkward. And is chuckling at her own non-funniness. Go back to Seventh Heaven. I'm having drama-class flashbacks. She's the know-it-all aspiring soap star.

Pineapple Express spoof. I love James Franco. (Oh, and if you ever watch PE, turn on the subtitles. I hear they're fantastic.) The Love Guru got its clip. Oh, but James Franco.... How I admire your stoner-brilliance. Funniest Oscar-montage clip EVER. I can't explain it here. I would destroy it. Best DP-involved presentation ever. Enter YouTube. [SERIOUSLY, WATCH]

(P.S. Yes, The Reader is about a young boy having sex with a Nazi. The Academy has crazy taste in art. And yes, it's a good movie.)

I nominate James Franco for host in 2010.

"The musical is back, ladies and gentlemen." Wait for it, folks.... [OR WATCH IT]

Beyonce?! GO HOME, SASHA FIERCE. You are not welcome here. A Gene Kelly line. A Grease medley?! Now Zac Efron is singing. With Vanessa. My poor brain. With Mamma Mia people. Huh. I expected more. Is that weird? Baz Luhrmann, you should have called Ewan and Nicole. Does Beyonce know that "At Last" isn't her song?

Dear, 2010 producers, Beyonce has overstayed her Oscar welcome. This is her third year of making me fake vomit. In her place, try asking AN ACTOR. Or A NOMINEE. Or ANYONE ELSE.

There are still A LOT of clips for a show that is apparently radically different from previous shows filled with clips. Hmm. I feel bad for Cuba Gooding Jr. Why do we keep reminding him that his career peaked with Jerry Maguire?!

I feel a Heath moment coming on. I hope I cry. Is that morbid?

HEATH LEDGER.

Standing ovation. His gorgeous family. Brad's in tears. And Adrien Brody. And Anne. And Angelina. "On behalf of your beautiful Matilda."

Man on Wire wins. Another check mark for me. I'm still in a solemn post-Heath mood. And then the wire dude balances his Oscar on his chin. WHAT?!

Short Documentary was another random non-correct guess. The winner says "Lucky me" in a tone that sounds suspiciously sarcastic.

Post-production stuff. The Dark Knight should finally start picking up. Clip of Wanted. Highly recommended if you like crazy-creative gunfire. And/or James McAvoy.

Will Smith. In describing visual effects, takes a beautiful jab at Mr. Pretty: "They can take Brad Pitt and turn him into a garden gnome." Hear, hear.

Visual Effects: Benjamin Button! Yep, I got that one right too.

Sound Editing. The Dark Knight? Yes? Please, Academy.... [drum roll] The Dark Knight! I should have bet that annual toonie. When I win my first Oscar, I'm going to thank Christopher Nolan. I'll add him to my list.

Sound Mixing: I call The Dark Knight. The winner: Slumdog. But no hating here. Did you see Dev Patel's face? LOVE HIM. Man, I'm in such a hug-everyone mood.

Just noticed that a Twitterer wants an Oscar limit on movies. Apparently she's not into Slumdog. Or she's just dumb. I kind of want to hit her. But she's a stranger, and I typically reserve violence for people I know.

Film Editing: Should be Slumdog. Is Slumdog. All is right in the world.

I forgot that Eddie Murphy was nominated for Dreamgirls. "Nominee" with his name doesn't sound right. Not after Norbit. He is not exactly in Jerry Lewis' league. So why is he handing him the award?

I appreciate the orchestra. I really do. But why does it feel like there's so much filler in this supposedly streamlined show? I'm so torn. I no longer have any idea how I feel about this show.

I think Goldie Hawn just yawned.

Is Alicia Keys wearing the same dress as Natalie Portman? Close. It looks better on Natalie.

Original Score: Slumdog. Happiness.

Then the winner for Original Score sings and dances. (MIA is not singing. Apparently giving birth super-recently is now an excuse for missing the Oscars.) Um, Academy, why did you snub Springsteen? I need to get the Slumdog soundtrack. I could run a marathon to it. The Oscar goes to..."Jai Ho." So the winner/performer is a winner again. And says "I chose love." So did I. I think.

This is going to be over before midnight. SHOCKING.

Uh, oh. Queen Latifah is going to sing for the dead. Don't do it. I can tell the producers are trying to distract us from the applause. So we can't tell who the audience is favoring. It's not working. Man, it was a rough year for Hollywood. Half of the town died. Although the cameramen aren't letting us read the dead folks' names. All I know is that Paul Newman wins as most-loved dead guy. It's because of the salad dressing. So good.

Reese Witherspoon. In something dark and dramatic and refreshingly non-ethereal. Lainey calls her dress "a bruise."

Best Director: Danny Boyle! Amazing. And completely non-surprising. He jumps up and down "in the spirit of Tigger, from Winnie the Pooh." Aw. Because he promised his kids he would.

Best Actress: Come on Kate. You can do it....

Shirley McLaine made Anne Hathaway cry.

Melissa Leo can't win. Remember, her hair qualifies her to be Prince Charles' next wife.

Sophia scares me.

Nicole Kidman looks great. How? Why? And Angelina is still gorgeous. And terrifying.

KATE!!! I love her. Too much. "It's not a shampoo bottle now." Yes, she's an emotional, earnest, off-the-cuff spewer. But I like her frankness. Her dad whistles at her. Seriously, how much more endearing can you get? Oh, and her forehead moves.

Best Actor time. My (fake) money is on Mickey Rourke. I hope he thanks his dead dog. Seriously.

De Niro is petitioning that Penn win because "he's a great human being." Um, I guess Mother Teresa should have had a bookshelf of gold men. Or at least a couple more than Penn.

Adrien Brody needs to shave. Apparently he's "not a fan of Google." WHAT?!

Brad Pitt is a great actor, yes. And actually underrated. Except today. He will not win.

Sean Penn?! Oh, right. Because the Academy likes him. And Rourke has burned 95% of his bridges. Princess Buttercup is crying. And now he's getting political. I guess that's what happens when you're in a political movie. "Mickey Rourke rises again. And he is my brother." Bad boys unite.

Okay, Best Picture time. If it's not Slumdog, there's no point. I quit life.

Filler, filler, filler....

Spielberg says: Slumdog Millionaire!!!!!! And they're bringing the kids on the stage. No, wait. They're bringing EVERYBODY on stage. Seriously, this is why they won. Because it's an ensemble of amazingness. No stars, no power, no muscle. It was supposed to be direct-to-DVD!

Midnight. Bedtime.


You do realize that Slumdog's success all began at the Toronto Film Festival. Which means you should all come visit me in September and we'll party it up with next year's Best Picture folks.

The Oscars 2009: The Red Carpet

Before I start to pick apart the show and chat about the actual awards, here's my red-carpet rundown. Yes, I watch for the fashion. That's why they have a red carpet.

Flashback to last night's red carpet (with links for the TV-less):

Taraji P. Henson
She has the short hair I mentioned in my last post. Movie-star short hair. I want. She's immediately my favorite. Gorgeous dress. Perfect jewelry. And she played Brad Pitt's mom. Give her the Oscar.

Zac Efron

Zac Efron is starting to look like a man. Weird. And sort of greasy. But not in that wonderful scruffy Colin Farrell way. Just in a mirror-hog way.

Amy Adams
I love that she's wearing red. Redheads should embrace crimson. I would. (And her necklace makes me happy.)

Those Kids

The Slumdog Millionaire kids are ADORABLE. It's official: I want Indian children. And Frieda Pinto is still gorgeous. And is finally wearing something worthy of her amazingness.

Melissa Leo

Melissa Leo looks like a middle-aged prom queen. Or like she's next in line to marry Prince Charles. She will not win. But she won at the Independent Spirit Awards last night. So she's fine.

More Slumdog
Seriously, the Slumdog cast is amazing. And happy. There aren't enough happy people in Hollywood. Dev Patel > Zac Efron.

Awkwardness

I switch over to Ben Mulroney who totally screws up his interview with Melissa Leo. She lectures him on his inaccuracy about the supposed inexperienced cast. He turns red. I cringe on his behalf. And go back to Seacrest. It's lose-lose.

Heidi Klum
I hate her hair. Too slick and greasy. Very Efron. You should not be tucking your hair behind your ears, girl. Nor should you be at the Oscars.

Robert Pattinson

I don't understand the Robert Pattinson thing. Maybe I need to see Twilight. Later. He reminds me of a guy I once knew who styled his hair with white glue. Seriously.

SJP

Sarah Jessica Parker belongs on a wedding cake. I hate that the word "seafoam" was used to describe her gown. That word belongs in the same special category of words as "moist." Gross words.

RDJ

I want to know Robert Downey Jr.'s beauty secrets. He looks younger every time I see him. He's the real Benjamin Button.

Natalie Portman

...is very pink. This is new. And okay. Very okay.

Ron Howard

Ron Howard and his wife make me want to be married for decades. I read somewhere that they date frequently. Like, multiple times a week. (Taking mental notes.) I wonder if he narrates their adventures. Like real-life Arrested Development.

Anne Hathaway

With her dad. Aw. And she's fantastically sparkly.

Robin Wright Penn
I can't believe Sean Penn married Princess Buttercup. So weird.

Sophia Loren
Ruffles overload. I can't handle it. She belongs on Dynasty.

Hey, Mickey!

What is Mickey Rourke wearing? I forgive him. He's wearing a picture of his dog around his neck. Loneliness makes me uncomfortable. I'm scared of him, but I desperately want to give him a hug.

Jessica Blah
Jessica Biel is talking on her cell phone. Which isn't doing much for my non-appreciation of her. Her straggly hair is even less impressive. And she's wearing a toilet-paper-dispenser dress.

Evan Rachel Wood

Evan Rachel Wood is very Grace Kelly. Which is a pretty huge compliment for an ex-girlfriend of Marilyn Manson. Elie Saab wins. (My pick was Saab, remember?)

The Streep

Meryl Streep is stunning. She's bringing it. Fantastic. Lack of Botox can be beautiful. Nicole Kidman, please take notes.

Penelope Cruz

Should I get bangs? Will I become a Spanish beauty? (I can say "pepino cantador." Translation: "singing cucumber.") P.S. Her dress is 60 years old. Amazing.

Kate the Great
Kate Winslet is perfect. I take back the earlier Grace Kelly compliment and bestow it on Kate. Sigh. (Have you seen The Reader? Man.) If she doesn't win, I might cry. That hair. That dress. Everything.

Brad and Angelina
Angie is stunning but cold. Love those earrings. Still, she looks like she might murder me with a stiletto. In interviews, she turns on the charm. But I don't buy it. She is anti-warm-and-fuzzy. She's in Elie Saab. Seriously, Saab rules the night.

No More Miley

Miley Cyrus looks like a glittery inverted cupcake that's trying too hard. It would be appropriate if she were nominated. My maternal instincts are kicking in, and I want to ground her until she's 35 and/or mature. She thinks her new Hannah Montana movie might nab her an Oscar nod next year. SIT DOWN.

Danny Boy

Danny Boyle makes me smile. I can't wait until he gets his Oscar this evening. I may do a little Bollywood dance in his honor.

Oscar-Ready

Well, I've made my predictions, I've pondered the "Will Zac Efron really be singing and dancing at the Oscars?" rumors and I've spent way too much time staring at potential gowns for tomorrow night's show.

I think a brilliant way to shake up the Oscars would be to require actors to show up in character. That way the costumes get more use (and the designers get the acknowledgment they deserve), and no one has to run around trying to find the most spectacularly gorgeous gown they'll ever wear, accompanied by a fanatic weight-loss routine of colonics and fasting.

If I ever get my chance to walk that red carpet, I'm going to be pretty picky. I can tell. Very few of the gowns I've been staring at inspire me all that much. I'd probably end up approaching a designer with this photo, begging for a re-creation of the genius of yesteryear:

But I don't look all that wonderful in white. Nor do I want to look like a bride. So I'd have to add color. With a photo like this:

And then the designer would work his/her magic, take into account current trends and my obsession with asymmetrical one-shouldered design. And then I'd be sent this:

Reem Acra Fall 2009

And I would probably be happy. As long as I don't have to wear my hair all slicked to the side and one-half-of-Princess-Leia-ish.

See, my favorite red-carpet looks in the past decade have all involved short hair. So I would probably have to chop off my hair to feel like a real movie star. Weird, huh?

Charlize, Claire, Hilary and Chloe.
(Click on photo for larger image. I heart Claire's hair.)

I want Hilary's gown. It's the color of Nadine. I don't care that it's been worn before. I'm not that much of a snob.

Oscar Watch

The Academy Award nominations were announced today. Here's the list. You'll notice that The Dark Knight was not nominated for Best Picture. Nor was Wall-E. Bruce Springsteen was not nominated for Best Original Song. Clint Eastwood was not nominated for Best Actor. Sally Hawkins was not nominated for Best Actress.

But Slumdog Millionaire grabbed a pile of nods, so I'm quite content. Not as many as Benjamin Button, though....

One year ago today, Heath Ledger died. On the anniversary of his death, he's nominated for an Oscar. Life is weird.

Aside: The Dark Knight is coming back to the IMAX near me. Should I go? Should you go with me?

For those of you who haven't seen The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (I actually quite enjoyed it, although the surreal concept makes it pretty impossible to relate to on a gut level. And I like to be sucker-punched at the movies), watch this. If you've seen Forrest Gump, you've seen Benjamin Button.

Yes, there are spoilers. You are warned.

The Curious Case of Forrest Gump - watch more funny videos

My Evening With Oscar

I didn't win the Oscar pool at work. Which is probably a good thing, so that I won't take up gambling as a hobby. I did tie for second.

My thoughts:

• George Clooney is dating a cocktail waitress. I wonder who wants to date a subtitler.
• If I was 15, I'd be jealous of Miley Cyrus.
• Gary Busey scares me.
• Jennifer Garner is my pick for best-dressed. Gorgeous. And Keri Russell. If you were on Felicity, you have style. Almost everyone looks awesome.
  
• My fashion predictions are pretty accurate, with the exception of an absent Angelina. But she was at the Independent Spirit Awards the night before, sporting a very obvious baby bump. So the pregnancy prediction was right on the money.
• Red is the color of the night. I would have been in brown. Or bronze (which is fancy, shiny brown). Love Heidi Klum. Best red of the night. Stunning.
  
• "Does this town need a hug?" I heart Jon Stewart. "Thank God for teen pregnancy."
• Most honest joke of the night, regarding Norbit's nom: "Too often the Academy ignores movies that aren't good."
• I'm shocked that Atonement didn't win Best Costume. The buzz around Keira's green gown has been ridiculous (see above). It's sparking fashion trends, people.
• Showing a clip of Cuba Gooding Jr. win his Oscar is almost cruel. That was his career peak. And he has long past it.
• Casey Affleck is finally looking like a man.
• Yay for Javier Bardem.
• Oscar's salute to binoculars and periscopes. Cracks. Me. Up.
• The 11-year-old singing "Raise It Up" does a far better job than Beyoncé did at the Oscars a couple years ago.
• Why does John Travolta spray on his hair? Does he think we can't tell he has paint on his head?!
• TILDA SWINTON?! Fun upset of the night. Cate Blanchett will be fine without it. Trust me.
• It's official. I heart James McAvoy.
• "And the baby goes to... Angelina Jolie." I will defend Stewart as host to the ends of the blog.
• Colin Farrell's scruff is actually appealing and non-scuzzy this evening. Maybe I'm just in a good mood.
• The clips are done for widescreens. The Ben-Hur clip reads as N-HUR. The year? 19.
• Bourne is winning. A lot. Instead of Transformers. I'm okay with that.
• Nicole Kidman looks more human than usual. Maybe pregnancy = less Botox.
• If I win an honorary Oscar, I'm going to thank Hitchcock too.
• Atonement wins for Original Score. Best part of the movie, people. It's awesome.
• Diablo Cody wins!!! I want to win for my first screenplay :)
• There are a lot of men in the audience wearing glasses. Women? Not so much. They will sacrifice sight for vanity.
• There is no Brad Renfro in the "In Memoriam" montage. I don't understand how they choose who to include.
  
• DANIEL DAY-GENIUS. Love him. Great speech. He's perfection: "My deepest thanks to the members of the Academy for whacking me with the handsomest bludgeon in town. I'm looking at this gorgeous thing you've given me and I'm thinking back to the first devilish whisper of an idea that came to him and everything since and it seems to me that this sprang like a golden sapling out of the mad, beautiful head of Paul Thomas Anderson...."
• The Coens each take home three awards. And that, my friends, is why you write, direct and produce.
• And a good time was had by all. Or by me.
  

My Sunday Evening

Above, my favorite Academy Award photo ever. Because I heart Grace and Audrey.

The Oscars are about to begin. And Ellen Page is in black. Called it.

image source

There Will Be Blog: Predictions

My father is a wise man. Over the years, he has imparted ridiculous amounts of insight and knowledge, including the following treasures:

• The WWF is scripted.
• Gneiss is a rock. Pronounced “nice.” Which makes it frustrating when you’re a little kid and you want your one-time-geologist father to tell you what kind of rock you’re holding. “That’s nice, Nadine” is all you hear.
• Hitchhiking through Morocco solo is totally safe.
• The Academy Awards are political.

I kept this last point in mind as I filled out my ballot at work. Of course, I also chose to take some risks (somewhat calculated) in the more technical categories, knowing that if there are any upsets and I’m right, I could be raking in the dough. Plus, what’s the point if you’re not having fun? Not that I don’t want to win. I still have my handbag named Oscar from two years ago. He would like a new friend.

*crossing fingers for surprise Transformers victories*

My predictions:

Best Motion Picture	No Country for Old Men
Actor	Daniel Day-Lewis
Actress	Julie Christie
Supporting Actor	Javier Bardem
Supporting Actress	Cate Blanchett
Director	Ethan Coen, Joel Coen (No Country for Old Men)
Original Screenplay	Juno
Adapted Screenplay	No Country for Old Men
Cinematography	No Country for Old Men
Editing	No Country for Old Men
Art Direction	There Will Be Blood
Costume Design	Atonement
Makeup	La Môme (La Vie En Rose)
Original Score	Atonement
Original Song	“Falling Slowly” - Once
Sound Mixing	Transformers
Sound Editing	Transformers
Visual Effects	Transformers
Animated Feature	Ratatouille
Foreign Language Film	Fälscher, Die
Documentary, Feature	No End in Sight
Documentary, Short	Sari’s Mother
Short Film, Animated	I Met the Walrus
Short Film, Live Action	Tanghi argentini

Really, it's all about the fashion. Perhaps the predictions should be best-dressed related:

• Daniel Day-Lewis will be quirky/European handsome. Longish gelled hair.
  
• Johnny Depp will be quirky to an even greater degree. Hobo-Euro-chic.
  
• Cate Blanchett will make everyone want to be pregnant. And she'll be in couture.
• Ellen Page will probably be in black. A little edgy. Young. Very ingenue.
• Angelina Jolie will wear something loose, sparking more rumors of pregnancy.
• George Clooney will keep channeling Cary Grant.
• Julie Christie will be in pants. Or Diane Keaton-ish. Nothing frilly.
• Tilda Swinton will be tall.
• If Tom Cruise is there, he will be short.
  
• Ben Mulroney will have helmet head.